Wanted: Competent Film Crew

Fate smiled down upon me yesterday when I stumbled upon the HURRICANE SIMULATOR inside the Factoria Mall.  I realized that the Hurricane Simulator was all I needed to pursue my long forgotten dream to make a movie.  Right then and there, I decided that, in the tradition of Clint Eastwood, Ben Stiller, and my favorite anti-Semite, Mel Gibson, I would direct and star in my own movie. Its working title is Destruction Hurricane!.

HURRICANESIMULATOR2the-palm-tree-shot_7688d537e2

The concept is simple: A  hurricane wreaks havoc on L.A. and my character saves everyone. I see it as a small movie whose buzz grows as it makes its way around the festival circuit. Then it will become the sleeper of the season.

The movie will be completely ad libbed. That way I don’t have to write a script and can start filming right away.

I set an extraordinary low budget because the Hurricane Simulator makes the special effects easy to pull off and obfuscates the need for stunt people. This is how it will work: after inserting two dollars into the Simulator it will turn on by itself. I will then throw my dog inside and film her as she reacts to the storm. In the movie my dog’s name is Toto (inside joke—Toto is the name of Dorothy’s dog in the The Wizard of Oz, who gets caught in a tornado, not a hurricane). Next, I will take my dog out and throw in the houses and hotels from the game of Monopoly. For the flooding, I will scatter the same Monopoly pieces along with my kids’ old hot wheels in a puddle.

REALHURRICANE2Here’s the outline of the plot: the movie starts with my character delivering her two kids, 7 and 4, to the airport so that her ex-husband can take them to Hawaii for a week. Switch to the beach, where two young people are frenetically having sex out in the open. The hurricane mows them down, making them its first casualties.

In the meantime my character is out on a hot date in a fancy restaurant. As soon as the waiter pours champagne into their glasses, the restaurant’s owner announces that the mayor has ordered everyone to evacuate the city. My character and her love interest jump into his car and drive up to his condo in Palm Desert. Just as they arrive, they hear on the radio that all flights scheduled from LAX after 6 PM have been cancelled. Her kids’ flight was at 6:30.

My character immediately jumps back into the car and races back to LA.

Yadda Yadda Yadda; Badda Bing Badda Bang, it’s sunny out and the President is awarding my character a medal of honor. After she takes the medal, she grabs both daughters’ hands and raises them in victory. Freeze frame on the three of them cheering. Roll the credits.

MOREHOUSES IN HURRThis will not be a typical disaster movie; it will be layered with symbolism. Toto’s fight to survive symbolizes the indestructible good in humans. The houses refer to the fragility of our homes. The hotels reflect the boundless potential of Capitalism. All in all, the movie is an allegory for the rise and fall of the United States in the world’s political arena.

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